Arthur Muyo!
by Galaxy1001D
Summary: When a hack of a fanfiction author substitutes himself in Tenchi's place, the Masaki house is in an uproar! Can the girls get rid of this pesky self insert and regain their beloved Tenchi?
1. No need for Arthur

**Arthur Muyo!**

By Galaxy1001D

Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer.

Additional dialog by Hitoshi Okuda. © Hitoshi Okuda © AIC/Pioneer

_Chapter One: No need for Arthur_

The place was Earth, Okayama, Japan. The sun rose in west on this fine spring morning. It was another ordinary, yet extraordinary day at the Masaki household.

In the kitchen, a cute little girl with blue hair arranged in two three-foot pigtails was making breakfast. The young girl's name was Sasami Masaki Jurai, the second princess of the interstellar royal family of Jurai. Thanks to her housekeeping skills, all of the readers want to marry her. Too bad she's only eight years old. Her pink eyes danced merrily as she prepared the morning meal for her adopted family.

"You who!" called Sasami brightly. "Breakfast is ready!" As if from hiding, the inhabitants of the Masaki house appeared and made their way to the breakfast table, well two of them, anyway. Ayeka and Washu made their way to the table and thanked the blue haired girl for their meal.

Sasami's older sister Ayeka was the first princess of her home planet, Jurai. Even though she was born with blue hair, she had it genetically changed to royal purple to impress a boy. "Hey! What's with this narration? Don't tell everybody!" the elder princess squealed.

The redhead's name was Washu Hakubi. She may look twelve years old, but she's over 20,000! Washu is the greatest genius in the universe capable of great inventions and scientific feats—at least until one of her housemates messes things up.

"Where are the others?" asked Sasami. "They'll miss breakfast."

"Well, Mihoshi got a call in the middle of the night," responded her big sister, "and Ryoko is probably sleeping off all that sake she drank last night," she added wryly, "but I don't know where Tenchi…"

Her voice trailed off as a third member of the household appeared. It was Arthur Storey, Tenchi Masaki's American friend. When Tenchi left Earth to fulfill his destiny as the Emperor of Jurai, Arthur agreed to live at the Masaki household to take care of the family shrine. It was a difficult period of adjustment for the others, but after a few months all of the female extraterrestrials had developed crushes on the manly Yankee hunk.

"Umm," Sasami stammered. "Who is he again?"

"I've got a nasty suspicion," groaned the redheaded Washu.

"Excuse me?" asked the first princess of Jurai. "I have a crush on this man? I don't even know him!"

Large teardrops of sweat appeared on the heads of the women at the dinner table. Their unrequited love for Arthur always upset their composure.

"That isn't why the beads of sweat are there," growled Washu, who rose from the table. Knowing that she had to share Arthur with the rest of the family had made her lose her appetite. "That isn't why I lost my appetite either," the greatest genius in the universe said over her shoulder as she left the kitchen to retreat to her lab.

"Sooo Arguro," stammered Ayeka, who was trying to be polite. "Welcome to Japan."

The handsome American laughed good-naturedly. "Why princess Ayeka, you know that I've been here for months."

"Oh…yes," she flustered. "I mean, how are you enjoying your stay in Japan so far?"

"It is a beautiful country," he replied. "Especially the countryside. I'm glad that I decided to live here."

"Yessss…that's…nice," stuttered Ayeka lamely. She glanced over at her sister who was just staring in shock at the American. Sasami didn't look as if she could help carry the conversation. "Well, eat up…Arturogawa…"

"Arthur," he corrected.

"Yezzzz," she agreed hesitantly. "Arturosaki…"

"Arthur,"

"Riiiight…Artioshi…"

"Arthur,"

"Yesssss…Ar…erm…uh…Lord Storee," stammered the princess who gave up trying to pronounce his impossible American name. Why couldn't he have a normal name like Watanabe or Hitoshi?

"Please, Princess," he smiled. "I'm no lord, I'm just an ordinary guy. There's no need to be so formal. We're all family."

"Oh yes…" she faltered. "Yes…yes we are," she spluttered. "Speaking of family, how are your folks?"

"They're fine," he smiled. "They write me every month."

"Could he be more vague?" thought the first princess of Jurai. It was going to be a long breakfast.

Upstairs, the dozing Ryoko snored obnoxiously. Ryoko is not a normal woman, as her greenish-white hair, fangs and large ears indicate. A space pirate created by Washu, she fled to Earth 700 years ago only to be sealed inside the Masaki family shrine. There, the much feared demon of the spaceways became fixated on a boy named Tenchi, at least until Arthur Storey entered the picture!

Sometime around noon, Ryoko woke up, got dressed, and floated down the stairs to the kitchen. Even though she had her amazing powers of regeneration to negate the effects of alcohol, getting up at noon seemed so early. She could still taste the toothpaste, well if she could taste, that is. As she entered the kitchen she noticed Sasami preparing lunch. "Hey Sasami, what's to eat?" the ex-pirate said dully.

Sasami didn't seem to hear her. As a matter of fact she seemed to be trembling and muttering under her breath. Even though the girl's back was facing her, Ryoko could see that the youngest member of the Masaki family was upset. "Sasami, what's wrong?" she asked. "Is everything okay?"

Sasami turned around and handed Ryoko a plate with sandwiches on it. The look on her face was a mask of despair. "Sure," she muttered. "Everything is just fine," Tears began to well up in her eyes and she ran out of the kitchen crying.

"Ooookay," said Ryoko after a long pause. "I'd hate to see her when everything _isn't_ fine." She glanced down at the plate of sandwiches in her hands. Normally Sasami prepared traditional Japanese or Juraian dishes. This was new. Maybe Ayeka was planning to eat in front of the television?

Her thoughts strayed to the boy of her dreams. Perhaps he'd appreciate lunch. As a matter of fact if she brought the sandwiches to him, they could have lunch together, just the two of them! Ayeka would be too busy comforting Sasami to interfere. This was an opportunity that she couldn't pass up!

The cyan haired woman opened the refrigerator and pulled out two cans of soda and teleported outside of the house. Flying with the sandwiches and sodas in tow, she spied a figure working in the fields. "Aha!" She teleported behind him and gently set the food down on the ground.

She floated over to a position directly behind him, for she didn't want to make a sound. Quick as a wink she covered his eyes with her hands and playfully challenged, "Guess who?"

"Ryoko!" answered Arthur Storey.

"Eeyah!" cried Ryoko jumping away. "Who are you? How do you know my name? Where's Tenchi?" she demanded.

"Tenchi left Earth to become the Emperor of Jurai…" began the boy.

"What?" interrupted the ex-pirate. "When did this happen?"

"It happened months ago," sighed Art. "You remember don't you?"

"No I don't!" insisted Ryoko crossing her arms. "Months ago? We all went out for sushi with him yesterday!" Although the pirate pretended not to remember the handsome yank, she was getting sexually aroused. "No I'm not! Who's narrating this anyway?" Jutting her chest out as far as she could Ryoko looked around the carrot field as if she expected an immanent attack. "Hey! Why am I sticking my chest out? What's going on? Who put you up to this?"

"Are you all right, Ryoko?" asked the manly paragon of masculinity. "You're acting strange, even for you…"

"Knock it off!" roared Ryoko shaking her fist. "Or the only sandwich that you're going to get will be a knuckle sandwich!"

"Hey! Ease off!" said Arthur in the calmest voice he could muster. "What's wrong?"

"Where's Tenchi?"

"On Jurai."

"Where's Tenchi?!"

"On Jurai!"

"WHERE'S TENCHI?!"

"On Jurai! He left months ago!"

Arthur ducked and weaved to avoid the woman's blows. He bravely screamed as she shot energy blasts out of her hands at him and he courageously ran away.

Ryoko returned to the house in a foul mood. Arthur had fled from her attempts to seduce him. "I wasn't trying to seduce him! I was trying to kill him! And then I'm going after whoever is narrating this!" she cried out indignantly. "Washu!" she called as she stormed over to the door the mad scientist's laboratory. "We got a crisis!" As she reached for the doorknob a steel portcullis slammed down and blocked the door. "Hey!" Ryoko jumped back in surprise as metal clamshell doors came out of the wall and enclosed Washu's door with a loud heavy booming sound. "What the?" Ryoko sputtered as a force field shimmered into view before the metal barrier, sealing the door off further. "Hey! Open up!" exclaimed the cyan haired woman as she pounded her fist on the energy barrier.

A hologram of Washu appeared beside her, glowing so brightly that her hair was hot pink. "I'm not in at the moment," it said nervously. "I'm at a scientific conference in…um…the Andromeda Galaxy. Yeah, the Andromeda Galaxy, that's it. Please leave a message and I'll contact you as soon as I can."

"Washu!" growled Ryoko. "What's going on? Open this door this minute! You haven't gone to any dumb conference!"

"Yes I have," the hologram insisted.

"No you haven't!" said Ryoko indignantly.

"There's no point arguing," scolded the Washu hologram. "This message is prerecorded. I can't actually hear you."

"If you can't hear me how can you respond to my comments?" challenged the space pirate.

"Oops!" the hologram appeared momentarily flustered. "Uhh, this hologram is controlled by an artificial intelligence. Yeah, that's it. Pretty easy to program for the greatest genius in the universe," the Washu-gram said smugly.

"Yeah, right!" snorted Ryoko. "What are you hiding from?"

"I'm not hiding," insisted the irritated hologram. "I'm at a scientific conference."

"You better hope they're discussing new techniques on lying 'cause this is getting pretty pathetic," sneered Ryoko. "Where _is_ Tenchi, anyway? There's some guy out in the field that says he left to become Emperor or something. Where is he really?"

"You got me," shrugged the hologram dryly. "Rumor has it he's on Jurai."

"That's impossible!" the pirate grumbled. "There's no way he could get there, unless _you_ zapped him there!"

"Don't look at me," the image of Washu shook her head and crossed her arms. "_I_ had nothing to do with this!"

"Oh come on!" Ryoko shook her head. "If we aren't being attacked by villains, your inventions are always the root of anything weird that happens around here!" She stopped and then grinned and rubbed her hands together gleefully. "Unless that guy out in the fields is bad guy trying to trick us! All we gotta do is beat the truth out of him! Heh-heh-heh!"

"Nice try," countered the short hologram. "but nothing is going to work until Act Three, or Act Two at the earliest. I don't see a quick fix."

"What? How long to we gotta entertain this jerk?"

"Don't worry," the three-dimensional image shrugged. "Stories this dumb are usually fairly short."

"We could go out the movies and let Ayeka deal with it until Act Two," offered Ryoko. "Hey! Wait a minute! That's why you locked yourself in your lab isn't it? You're trying to get out of this story!"

"I figure I can stall until this tale reaches its inevitable conclusion," the hologram grinned. "Until then, it's up to major characters like you and Ayeka to deal with him."

"Hey! Come out of there! Washu!" But Ryoko was simply shouting at empty space. The hologram had vanished.

Ryoko decided to look for Ayeka, her chief rival for Arthur's affections. If Ayeka was alone with Arthur… "Knock it off! Quit misinterpreting my actions! I don't know who this Tenchi-substitute is!" She could never let the princess take the advantage in the struggle for Arthur's heart. "Quit it! Quit it! Quit it!" Ryoko shouted as she dashed around the house.

Ayeka's aristocratic voice stopped the former pirate in her tracks. "Ahh, Ryoko, have you met our new guest?" Both princesses were exiting their room. Sasami was hugging Ryo-oh-ki the cabbit for support and following her sister around as the first princess was carrying a laundry basket full of dirty clothes.

Ryo-oh-ki was also created by Washu. Her real form is an interstellar spacecraft, though she usually opts for more feline/rabbit-like shape. Eventually she also became capable of humanoid metamorphosis into both a furry five-year-old child or a fluffy twenty-year-old babe! She loves carrots! She loves Arthur too. "Meow!" Ryo-oh-ki shook her head vigorously in denial.

"Yeah, he says that Tenchi left Earth to become Emperor of Jurai," Ryoko responded. "When did this happen?"

"Apparently months ago."

"Didn't Tenchi take us out for sushi yesterday?" asked the pirate.

"Yes," said Sasami with a small voice.

"It was very nice of him," Ayeka nodded.

"So what's this garbage about him leaving the planet 'months ago'?"

"I don't know," sighed Ayeka as she entered Ryoko's room to gather up the dirty clothes on the floor. "It sounds like some kind of time-space-reality error. I'm waiting for Washu to come out of her lab and explain what's going on."

"Fat chance of that," snorted Ryoko. "The greatest genius in the universe has locked herself in her lab and won't come out until the Tenchi-imposter is gone."

"She'll have to come out sooner or later," smiled Ayeka. "Mihoshi will be coming home any minute and will need someone to help her repair her ship."

"That's right!" Ryoko snapped her fingers. "That spacey scatterbrain always crashes her spaceship! She'll need Washu's help to repair it! And all the high-tech security in the universe won't keep Mihoshi out of the lab! We're saved!"

"Yay!" cheered Sasami.

At that moment, a familiar roaring sound could be heard. It sounded like a Second World War stuka dive-bomber the size of a three-story building making a kamikaze run. The three girls looked up at the ceiling and smiled simultaneously. "Mihoshi!" they exclaimed as one and ran to the windows to see where the Galaxy Police Officer was going to make her crash landing now.

They ran out onto the balcony on the roof where they could get a good view of Mihoshi Kuramitsu's latest emergency landing. "C'mon Mihoshi!" Ryoko shook her fists in anticipation. "Crash! Crash!" Normally the pirate lost her tempter with the ditzy disaster area when she crashed her spaceship, but today was an exception. "Wreck your ship real good so Washu will have to come out and fix it!"

"Damage the celestial guidance system!" chanted Ayeka. "That's real technical and hard to repair!"

"Don't hurt yourself Mihoshi," Sasami uttered softly. "Just break your ship okay?"

"Meow," said Ryo-oh-ki nervously.

Suddenly Mihoshi's Galactic Patrol Cruiser roared into view. The lake seemed to explode under the force of the impact, causing water to fly into the air in all directions with the force of a fire hose. The women on the roof were knocked off their feet and fell onto their backs, but they didn't tumble off the house.

As the dripping princesses picked themselves up, Ryoko shook herself like a dog. They rose their feet to see Mihoshi's spaceship sticking tail up in the water as small tidal waves assaulted the shore. The huge engines created a loud throbbing sound that reverberated through the forest until the goofy Galaxy Police officer cut the power.

A hatch on the ship opened just above the waterline and a bronze skinned blonde woman in a flight-attendant style Galaxy Police uniform appeared crying like an infant. Through her tears she was able to bawl out "Oh my gosh! I am sooo saw…reeee!"

Mihoshi Kuramitsu was a high-ranking detective in the Galaxy Police. Assigned to protect all of known space, she's known as "the master of accidents"—both for her clumsiness and because trouble always seems to find her!

Ryoko teleported to the space cop's side. "Mihoshi!" she smiled like the cat who ate the canary. "Welcome home. Let me give you a hand." She extended her hand to the blubbering blonde.

"Ryoko!" Mihoshi started. "Y-you aren't going to yell at me, are you?"

"What? Why no…" the ex-pirate said seductively. "Why would I do that?" She reached out and took Mihoshi's hand and flew into the air with her. "Let's get you back into the house. You were away for so long, we were worried about you."

"W-why, why thank you Ryoko," gasped a relieved Mihoshi. "I-I'll do better next time, I promise!"

Inside her laboratory Washu irritably shut off the alarm that informed her that Mihoshi had returned. "Here it comes…" she sighed as she went back to her research. Her suspicions were correct. They had to be. Now what could they do about it?

_Next: Useless Arthur_


	2. Useless Arthur

**Arthur Muyo!**

By Galaxy1001D

Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer.

_Chapter Two: Useless Arthur_

Washu's lab was hidden in subspace, in an alternate dimension created by the greatest genius of the universe just for the purpose of unfettered experimentation and unparalleled privacy. The only portal to our universe was hidden behind an inauspicious looking door under the stairs of the Masaki house, but when sealed it against intruders the door led to an empty limbo where interlopers would wait until the pint-sized scientist decided what to do with them. Therefore it was always a bit of a surprise when Mihoshi Kuramitsu somehow managed to evade the laboratory's security precautions.

An explosion from within knocked the door right off its hinges, bending the bars of the metal portcullis and breaking open the metal clamshell doors that had further sealed the entrance from the Masaki house. The force field flickered and hummed and then inexplicably shorted out.

"Out! Out!" came Washu's angry cry from the bowels of her laboratory. Smoke billowed out of portal to the artificial universe as she pushed the teary-eyed blonde out of the door.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! It was an accident!" stammered Mihoshi. "I just wanted to ask if you would help me repair my ship!"

"Are you all right, Mihoshi?" asked a concerned Arthur Storey, who was the love interest of all the women in the house.

"Why yes, thank you, stranger," smiled the bubbly blonde. "I didn't know we had a guest." Yes, sweet Mihoshi was so scatterbrained, she forgot that Tenchi had left Earth months ago to become the Emperor of Jurai. His American friend Arthur Storey agreed to live at the Masaki house and take care of the family shrine. Soon the other residents of the house forgot all about Tenchi and fell in love with the charming American. "When will Tenchi be home?" Tenchi isn't going to be home. He left the planet to fulfill his destiny. "But when will he be coming back?" He isn't coming back Mihoshi. He's gone. Outta here. You love Arthur Storey now. You forgot all about Tenchi. "I forgot Tenchi, and I love…who?" Arthur. You love Arthur Storey. "Riiiight, let me see if I got this straight. I forgot, um…what's-his-name and now I love Tenchi?" You've got it reversed. You love Arthur Storey. "I love Tenchi because he left the shrine and became an author and wrote a story?" Arrgh! Forget it! "Was there an emperor in the story?" Shut up.

"Ha, ha!" laughed Washu. "Mihoshi sure showed that narrator who's boss!" At that moment for no reason whatsoever, the pint-sized scientist tripped and fell on her nose. "Touchy!" she growled as she staggered to her feet and rubbed her injured proboscis.

The prepubescent brainiac turned go back into her lab, but before she could blink Ryoko phased out of the wall and grabbed her. "Hey!" Washu exclaimed. "What's going on?"

"I've got her, Ayeka!" cried Ryoko. "Gimme some help here!"

Before Arthur and Mihoshi's startled gaze, the purple haired princess appeared from behind a corner and seized Washu's lower extremities. "Got her!" Ayeka gasped.

"Let me go!" cried Washu. "You can't do this! I'm the greatest genius in the universe! I'll build a robot that'll punish you all! It will be a hundred feet tall, with missile launchers and lasers! Let me go!" The commotion brought Sasami and Ryo-oh-ki into the hallway.

"Heh-heh," Ayeka laughed nervously in the direction of Arthur Storey. "Excuse us for a moment." The first princess of Jurai gave a pointed look to her little sister.

Sasami nodded and looked up at Arthur. "Could you help me with my homework?" she asked the charming Yankee.

"Uh, are they going to be all right?" he asked her.

"Oh sure," the eight-year-old girl smiled. "Washu just has to take her pills, that's all."

"I didn't know that Washu needed to take pills," said a concerned Mihoshi.

"Sure," nodded Sasami nervously. "She needs them for uh, radiation treatment from one of her experiments gone wrong."

"Oh," said the confused blonde.

"Okay, Sasami," said Arthur. "I can help you with math but with history and language you are on your own."

"Oh! It's math!" said Sasami a little too quickly.

"Mreow," Ryo-oh-ki agreed.

Upstairs, the two rivals carried the struggling Washu into one of the bedrooms and set her down. "What's the big idea?" snapped the angry scientist.

"We couldn't take the chance of you going back into your lab," Ayeka replied.

"Yeah, Washu," snarled Ryoko. "You think you can just hide in your own private universe and leave us stuck with the intruder? Think again. What's going on and how do we stop it?"

"How many times to I have to tell you?" the scientist scolded. "Call me 'Little Washu,' 'Mother' or 'Mom'!" The space pirate just gave her a cold stare. Washu let out a large sigh and shook her head. "All right, I'll tell you. We better hold a family meeting after dinner. We'll drug Arthur's food so we can have some privacy."

"That's better," muttered Ryoko, "but just in case, I'm keeping an eye on you."

Dinnertime was difficult for the group.

"Thanks for making these chili dogs Sasami," grinned Arthur Storey. "Back home in the states I used to eat 'em all the time."

"You're welcome, Arthur," smiled the blue-haired girl thinly. "They were actually fairly easy to prepare."

"What is this?" sniffed Ayeka.

"It looks like it came out of a horse's butt," agreed Ryoko.

"Mmm! Tasty!" chomped Mihoshi.

"Meow," Ryo-oh-ki in child form munched at her carrots.

Washu just picked at her plate while watching Arthur expectantly.

"So Arthur," said Mihoshi between bites. "When did you first arrive in Japan?"

"Months ago," sighed Arthur.

"Really? Where did you live?" Chomp-chomp. Burp.

"Right here," he sighed.

"Really?" the blonde blinked. "I didn't see you. Have you been hiding?"

"No…"

The other girls around the table put their hands to their mouths and quietly snickered.

"Why didn't you come with us when Tenchi took us out for sushi yesterday?" Mihoshi asked innocently. "You would have been welcome."

"That's what you think," Ryoko muttered under her breath.

"Tenchi didn't take you out to sushi yesterday," the handsome hunk corrected. "He's been gone for months."

"Really? Where did he go?"

"To planet Jurai." Arthur rolled his eyes.

"He took us out to sushi on Jurai?" asked the dizzy blonde. "I didn't know they had sushi there. It sure looked a lot like Earth."

Arthur looked down at his plate with a pained expression on his face.

Both Ayeka and Ryoko were staring at the American with undisguised lust. "Uh-oh," whispered the princess. "The narrator is doing it again!"

"Argh!" Ryoko slapped her own face three times.

Washu nodded at Ayeka.

"Ryoko," hissed the purple-haired princess. "You're on,"

"Right," the demon pirate nodded.

Under the table Washu passed a bottle of sake to Ayeka, who passed it to Ryoko.

Ryoko popped the cork and took a swig. "Hey Art!" she grinned maniacally. Everyone at the table started, for her voice was so loud compared to the hushed quiet that was there before. "Nothing hits the spot with chili dogs like a little sake! Drink up, buddy!"

"No thanks," the paragon of manhood smiled nervously. "I'm not really much of a drinker."

"Well that changes now!" exclaimed the demon pirate as she put her arm around the boy and put the bottle to his lips. "Bottom's up, buttercup!"

"Ooh!" chirped Mihoshi. "Can I have some too?"

"NO!" the other girls shouted simultaneously.

"J-just asking," stammered the normally cheerful policewoman.

Soon the bottle was drained and Arthur collapsed in a drunken stupor.

"Is he out?" Ayeka asked.

"Don't worry," Washu smiled grimly. "That sedative I put in it would knock out a bull elephant."

"What if it kills him?" Sasami asked nervously.

Washu simply gave her an emotionless look. Sasami gulped nervously and shivered.

"What's a bull elephant?" asked the alien space cop.

"Take him to my lab and strap him down, Ryoko," said Washu, ignoring Mihoshi's question. "That should keep him out of trouble until we figure out what to do." Fortunately, Ryoko was immune to poisons of any kind, and didn't have to worry about the tranquilizer.

Soon the five girls, (six counting Ryo-oh-ki) made the kitchen table a conference table and were discussing the situation.

"All right, little Washu, spill," snarled Ryoko. "The intruder is secure. Spill the beans already."

"Yes," Ayeka nodded, "I want to know what's going on too."

"All right," said Washu. "I'll level with you. This story isn't being written by Hitoshi Okuda or anyone who's a professional. This tale is being written by Author Storey."

"Huh?" the others blinked.

"Meow?" asked Ryo-oh-ki.

"Do I have to spell it out for you?" grumbled the pint-sized genius. "_Arthur Storey_. As in the _author_ of the _story_? Could he _be_ any more obvious?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Mihoshi. "What story?"

"The pun doesn't translate well into Japanese," Ayeka said in their defense.

"Even so, it doesn't need to," sighed Washu. "Think about it. Katsuhito and Nobuyuki are nowhere to be seen. All of the male cast members have been taken out of the picture."

"What about Tenchi?" asked Mihoshi.

"Tenchi isn't here," said Washu. "That's why we're _having_ this meeting."

"Where did he go?" the bubbly blonde asked innocently.

"The author wrote him out and took his place," Washu replied.

"What author?" Mihoshi asked. "You're acting like we're all fictitious characters."

Washu held her breath and counted to ten. "Let's see…" she drummed her fingers on the table while she paused in thought. "Got it! My pan-dimensional vortex inducer has malfunctioned, causing us to experience alternate realities, including those in which we're just fictitious characters in Japanese manga and anime."

"I told you," nodded Ayeka. "A time-space-reality error."

"That explains why the sun rose in the west and set in the east today," added Ryoko. "This American reads manga where the art is reversed so the Europeans can read from left to right."

"Whatever," uttered Washu. "These cartoons aren't always very well written, and consistency and logic often take a back seat to symbolism and drama. In addition, there have been different versions of our story where we have different backgrounds. For example, in one history, I created Ryoko, and in another I didn't."

"And sometimes Katsuhito is really our half-brother and sometimes he's not." added Ayeka.

"And sometimes I'm a superhero!" cheered Sasami. Everybody stopped to give the eight-year-old dirty looks.

"Where's Kiyone?" asked Mihoshi.

"She's not here." Washu replied. "It looks like this story is based of the original _OVA Tenchi Muyo: Ryo-oh-ki_ series and the manga comics written by Hitoshi Okuda and not the _Tenchi Universe_ continuity."

"But where is she?" Mihoshi insisted. "She'll miss the family meeting."

"Kiyone wasn't in the _OVA_ series," Washu answered. "She also stands out as the only regular female cast member in _Tenchi Universe_ that could resist Tenchi's charms, so Storey must not be interested in her. The sexual tension was stronger in the _OVA_ series anyway."

"But why should he care if we like Tenchi or not?" asked Sasami.

"Isn't it obvious?" Ryoko snarled. "In real life, he's probably some loser who's never even met a real girl, let alone gone on a date! I'll bet he masturbates while watching _Sailor Moon_!"

Ayeka and Washu both put their hands over their mouths to stifle their laughter. Ayeka was blushing.

"Gosh, that's sad," said Sasami. "If he feels that unloved, no wonder he wants Tenchi's life. I feel sorry for him."

"I don't," growled Ryoko.

"But where is Kiyone?" Mihoshi continued to ask. "Is she out shopping?"

"No, Mihoshi!" Washu snapped irritably. "She's not in this…um, yeah, she's out shopping."

"That's good," Mihoshi nodded, "because we're out of teriyaki sauce."

The others around the table winced.

"Ahem," Washu cleared her throat to get the others' attention. "Back to the topic at hand. Does everybody here know what the Internet is?"

Ayeka was insulted. "Washu, we are all from highly advanced civilizations where computers are used for everything from laundry to warfare," she sniffed indignantly. "I think that we all know what the Internet is."

"Can you use it to catch criminals?" Mihoshi asked.

"What?" blinked Washu.

"With the net," Mihoshi clarified. "The inner-net."

"You!" Ryoko commanded. "Stop talking!"

"Waaah," Mihoshi bawled.

"As I was _saying_," Washu growled. "On the Internet are various fansites, including websites dedicated to comic books and television shows. Many of these sites feature fan fiction, stories written by the fans."

"Ah, _dôjinshi_," Ayeka smiled. "Sounds wonderful."

"Now everyone can join in the fun," grinned Sasami.

"Wait a minute," said Ryoko. "If these stories are written by amateurs do we still get paid?"

"Not a yen," Washu replied. "Still, you aren't thinking about it from _our_ point of view. This total freedom of creativity means that these stories can go against established canon. Anything can happen."

"So what?" Ryoko shrugged. "We've got at least three different continuities already. Thanks to your pan-dimensional whatsamahooey…"

"Let me spell it out for you," Washu's voice took a commanding tone. "_Anything _can happen. Including major character death. Including the regular cast being incredibly out of character. Including an established character being replaced with an avatar of the author writing the story."

"But I don't understand," said Mihoshi, straining in thought. "If the fans love the characters, why would they kill them? Why change them or replace them with someone else? Who would want to read that?"

"That's precisely my point," Washu nodded. "Although most of the readers at those websites hate self-inserts, it doesn't stop people from doing it. That's what I think has happened here."

"So that's why the narrator is always pushing us into a romance with Arturosake," said Ayeka, still unable to pronounce that American name. "The narrator and Storey are the same person!"

"That bastard!" Everyone jumped in their seats except Ryoko, who had jumped out of her chair when she cried out and slammed her fist on the table. "How fickle does he think we are? Does he really think that he can just walk in here and steal Tenchi's life? Who does he think he is?"

"The love interest of every girl around this table," said Washu dryly.

"Meow," yowled Ryo-oh-ki shaking her little fist.

"Wow, what a lucky guy," giggled Mihoshi. "If everyone here loves Arthur, can I have Tenchi?"

"NO YOU CAN'T HAVE TENCHI!" Both Ayeka and Ryoko shouted at her, their faces distorting into hideous caricatures of anger.

"Eep!" Mihoshi squeaked. "Just asking."

"I say kill him," growled Ryoko, sitting back down. "Main characters are always dying in these fanfics, right? Well it's his turn."

"Original characters are very hard to kill," Washu shook her finger. "Especially a self-insert. Writers get very attached to them. I don't think it will work."

"What are you talking about?" sneered Ryoko. "I just strapped him down in your lab. He's helpless."

"That worked only because I do that to Tenchi all the time," Washu shook her head. "If we try to kill him on purpose, I'll bet the 'Mihoshi Effect' of outrageous coincidence will save him."

"Aren't we overreacting?" asked Sasami. "I mean, he must be pretty sad and lonely if he needs to write himself into a life where he is surrounded by pretty girls," she said. "Maybe if we were nice to him, he'd bring Tenchi back."

"I don't know," Washu stroked her chin thoughtfully. "I hate to encourage him. He might write sequels."

"I know!" Ryoko snapped her fingers with a devilish grin. "Ayeka can marry him! Then it will be happily ever after and we can move on with our lives!"

"I?" The purple-hair princess leaped from her chair in outrage. "Why don't _you_ marry him? According to this story's continuity, Tenchi has moved back to Jurai to take the throne. As the first princess of Jurai, I should be at his side!"

"You're a pain in his backside, princess!" Ryoko rose from her chair in a threatening manner. "In the sequel to this story, I'll attack Jurai with Ryo-oh-ki and rescue Tenchi and bring him back here. You and Arthur can return to your homeworld to restore order!"

"Ha! A Trill can't change her spots!" Ayeka pointed an accusing finger at Ryoko. "I wish Tenchi was here to see your true colors!"

"If you don't get your finger out of my face your colors will be black and blue!" the green haired pirate threatened.

With an impossible acrobatic flip, Washu jumped out of her chair and hit the bickering ladies on their heads with a mallet. "Save it!" the pint-sized redhead cried. "Right now we've got a crisis!"

"Ow! What was that for?" Ryoko rubbed the lump on her head. "Ayeka started it, not me!"

"I don't care who started it!" snapped Washu as she stood on the table to tower over the bickering rivals. "All I care about is how to end it!" She turned and climbed back down into her chair. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Now then, lets bounce some ideas around. Any suggestions?"

"I've already made two," Ryoko huffed as she crossed her arms.

"Any _other_ suggestions?" Washu looked first in the eyes of one girl and then another.

"Maybe Tenchi could introduce him to someone," Mihoshi suggested.

"Tenchi was written out," sighed Washu. "Try again."

"Can't we just explain our position to Arthur and tell him that we would like Tenchi back?" asked Sasami. "He might if we ask him real nicely."

"Do you really think someone who would write themselves into this house is mature enough to acquiesce our request?" Ayeka asked in her prim and proper tones. "This Aragasha Story person seems awfully selfish."

"It couldn't hurt," the blue-haired girl offered.

"I don't know," Washu thought about it. "If we break the fourth wall that blatantly he might force us to play his game no matter how out of character that makes us. We should think about it before doing anything that rash."

"Why don't we all gang up on him?" muttered Ryoko darkly. "If we all reject him, he might go away."

"That's just asking for him to write in a villain to explain why the women who 'love him' aren't playing nice," Washu made air quotes as she spoke. "We don't need that complication."

"Argh!" howled Ryoko. "Why can't we just rip his lungs out?"

"Ooh! Harsh!" gasped Mihoshi.

"Why are you being so nasty about this?" asked a wide-eyed Sasami.

"He took away the only thing I ever had." Ryoko sniffed with tears in her eyes.

"That's not true," consoled Mihoshi. "As a pirate, you must have stole lots of nice things in the past!"

"That's the point!" the green-haired woman insisted. "If we leave this planet, what do we have? Who are we? You got your career as a police officer and Washu's is the _greatest scientific genius in the universe,_" she snarled sarcastically, "and as for the princesses, don't get me started on them."

"What about the princesses?" asked Ayeka in a dangerous voice.

"Oh come on!" Ryoko almost shouted. "You've got your parents who love you, your palaces, your courtiers, and all that! _You_, Ayeka, are the first princess of Jurai! But off this planet, who am I?" She looked down at the table as tears welled up in her eyes. "Ryoko the demon. Ryoko the space pirate. Hated and feared in all of known space. Everywhere I go I'm treated like a monster."

"If the shoe fits…" Ayeka muttered under her breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Ryoko knocked the table and her friends over with that last outburst. "You've got everything, Ayeka! Everything! You could have any man in the universe! All I want is Tenchi! Is that too much to ask?" Before their astonished looks, _the_ Ryoko Hakubi, the most feared and ferocious pirate in known space collapsed on the floor as her body was wracked with sobs. "Tenchi…Tenchi…come back to me…"

It was Sasami who recovered first. "There, there," she consoled as she strode forward to give the bawling buccaneer a hug. "You still have us," she said. "_We_ love you. _We_ accept you."

"Meow!" Ryo-oh-ki hugged Ryoko's leg as well.

"You're not alone, Ryoko," added Mihoshi, steeling her courage to put her arms around the space pirate as well. "You've got us! _We_ love you."

"That's right, we're family," smiled Washu as she picked herself up from under the table to give her daughter a big hug. "We love you and its gonna take more than some hack to break us up."

"Really?" Ryoko smiled through her tears and sniffed audibly. "You really love me? Is this true?"

"Yes, its true," said Ayeka coldly with her arms crossed. "_They_ really love you."

Ryoko stuck her lip out defiantly as Sasami shouted, "Ayeka! Shame on you!"

_Next: Arthur B Gone!_


	3. Arthur B Gone!

**Arthur Muyo!**

By Galaxy1001D

Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer.

_Chapter Three: Arthur B Gone! _

The family meeting at the Masaki household had not gone well. All of the interstellar females were sitting around the kitchen table conferring, arguing, and making suggestions. Nearly two hours had gone by, and no one had figured out how to win Arthur's heart.

"Wrong!" Washu corrected. "We're trying to figure out how to get rid of Arthur Storey, the pesky self-insert who thinks he can write Tenchi out and replace him." The ingenious redhead turned to the eight-year-old whose blue hair was in pigtails and said, "Sasami, read the results of the vote, will you?"

Sasami picked up the two-inch by three-inch index cards that had been used by each of the girls to write in a suggestion. She shuffled them briefly, and then proceeded to read one at a time. "One vote to ignore him and hope that he goes away, one vote try to reason with him so he will bring Tenchi back, One vote beat him with a stick until he agrees to our demands…" she glanced disapprovingly at Ryoko.

"I'm just saying the direct approach can't hurt," Ryoko crossed her arms irritably.

Sasami continued reading the index cards. "One vote to order a pizza." Ayeka, Ryoko, and Washu looked coldly in Mihoshi's direction. "One vote to create robot versions of ourselves as decoys," The second princess of Jurai squinted at the final card. "Um, I can't…I'm having trouble reading this. Did you write this one Ryo-oh-ki?"

"Meow," the cabbit nodded. A chorus of feminine groans was heard around the table.

"Well that was pointless," sniffed Ayeka arrogantly.

"I still think that we should have waited for Kiyone to get here before we voted," said Mihoshi. "She could have given us the deciding vote."

"For the last time, Kiyone isn't in this one!" Ryoko shouted. "This story is based off the _OVA_ continuity and not the _Tenchi Universe TV_ show! Kiyone isn't here! Can't you get that through your thick head?"

"You don't have to shout," murmured the sheepish Galactic Police officer as tears welled up in her innocent blue eyes.

Washu seemed to be ignoring the conversation, her eyes were closed and her chin rested on her fist as she leaned on the table in deep thought. 

"Washu, what is it?" Sasami asked her. "Do you have a plan?"

"I'm sorry Sasami," the diminutive inventor replied. "I can't think of an idea that this author can't write his way out of."

"What makes this guy so smart?" Ryoko demanded. "How do we know this hack can even write his name, let alone write a novel? If this guy was such a good writer he would have something published professionally instead of messing around with fan fiction! You just _assume_ he can outsmart us! He could be an idiot!"

"You know, you're right, Ryoko," smiled Washu as she punched her open palm with her fist. "The problem with being a genius is that you can spot the flaws in any plan, but who's to say this guy is anywhere near my level? We've been too passive, and allowed him to control the game! From now on, _we_ will decide where the story goes! Let's try _all _the plans, one at a time no matter how stupid or deranged! We'll show him that we won't take this lying down! Let _Operation: Arthur Be Gone_ begin!"

The girls resembled the Knights of the Round Table or the Three Musketeers as they simultaneously rose from the table, raised their fists, and cheered.

PLAN ONE—IGNORE HIM

The sun rose cheerily in the west and illuminated the lake and the breathtaking countryside around the Masaki house. Sasami hummed happily in the kitchen as she prepared breakfast. Ryo-oh-ki in cabbit form was perched on top of her head. Soon the tiny cook rang a small dinnerbell and called out, "Breakfast is ready!"

The other inhabitants of the Masaki household appeared and went to the table and chatted as Sasami brought a plate of food to them one at a time.

"Good morning, Lady Washu," smiled the blue-haired princess as the redheaded super genius seated herself at the table.

"Good morning, Princess Ayeka," Washu grinned back. Something about their voices sounded forced and artificial.

"Good morning, Sasami," Mihoshi smiled. "My, breakfast looks delicious this morning!"

"Good morning ladies," greeted Arthur Storey. "Doesn't everyone look nice today?"

"Good morning, all," yawned Ryoko as she entered the room. She picked up the chair that Arthur was sitting in and with one deft motion managed to toss him out of his seat without letting go of the chair. "What's for breakfast?" Ryoko set the chair back down and sat as the rest of the girls ignored the yelp of surprise and pain that accompanied the 'thud' noise.

"Bacon and eggs," smiled Sasami as she poured the space pirate a glass of orange juice.

"Ow!" Arthur groaned. "That hurt! Why did you take my seat?"

"So where's Tenchi?" Sasami asked as she filled Washu's glass with juice.

"Katsuhito and Nobuyuki took him out to some male bonding camping seminar," the red-haired genius replied. "Something about getting back in touch with their manliness."

"That's brilliant!" Ayeka exclaimed. The princess put her hand over her mouth sheepishly and blushed. "Um, I mean, how brilliant," she stammered nervously. "It's um, so nice that they can…um…bond with their fellow man," she finished lamely.

"Wait, Tenchi left to become the emperor of Jurai!" Arthur protested. "He asked me to take care of the shrine for him!"

"He did?" asked Mihoshi.

"Mihoshi!" Ryoko growled. "We are _ignoring_ him, remember?" She whispered testily.

"Oops!" sputtered the blonde. "Um, I mean…he _did_ go to a male bonding seminar?"

"That's right," Washu smiled thinly. "All of the guys left, so we have the whole house to ourselves."

"Hey, I'm right _here_!" Arthur insisted testily. "Why are you ignoring me?"

"Did you hear something, Ayeka?" asked Ryoko with a wicked glint in her eye.

"Noooo," the princess grinned evilly. "I didn't hear a thing."

Ryoko and Ayeka broke into cruel laughter. Sasami and Ryo-oh-ki glanced at each other nervously as Washu smirked. Mihoshi looked on, confused, and then joined in the laughter.

"Hey!" Arthur shouted as he waved his hands in front of them. The ladies flinched and blinked, but refused to acknowledge his existence.

"You know, we should do something nice while the boys are gone," said Washu as she stroked her chin. "I know! We can fumigate the house while we go on vacation to planet Risa! When they return the house will be free of any pests!"

"What are you talking about, Washu?" Sasami blinked. "There aren't any bugs in this house."

"Oh, I think I know what Washu means, Sasami," her violet haired sister snickered behind her hand.

"Yeah," Ryoko agreed, giving Arthur a dirty look. "She wants to make sure that the house is pest free!"

Ayeka and Ryoko again burst into maniacal laughter. This time Washu joined them. Mihoshi, Ryo-oh-ki, and Sasami exchanged concerned looks. Arthur fumed in impotent rage.

Yes, dear readers, it seemed that the girls had completely forgotten Arthur's existence. They could not even see or hear him no matter what he did. How could this happen? Soon Arthur heard a sinister voice.

"It is I, my old enemy," said an elegant masculine voice. "The ghost of Kagato. I have cursed you for defeating me and preventing my resurrection. Now you shall suffer! Ha-ha-ha!"

"Nooooooo!" Washu screamed. "He's playing the villain card!"

"He would have never thought of it if you had kept your big mouth shut!" snapped Ryoko. "This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" glowered the indignant scientist. "I would be safely locked in my lab if you and Ayeka hadn't forced me to be in this dog of a story!"

"You think you can just hide in your lab until this is all over?" Ayeka shrieked. "I thought you were better than that! Well now your true colors shine through! You're as bad as Ryoko!"

"Hey!" exclaimed an indignant space pirate. "Why are you picking on me, you purple-haired witch?"

"Witch!" the first princess of Jurai sputtered in anger.

"Stop it!" shouted young Sasami. "It won't do us any good to turn on each other!"

"Sasami's right!" chimed the blonde Mihoshi. "Please, stop fighting!"

"Meow!" Ryo-oh-ki jumped off Sasami's head and ran out of the room.

Glowing energy appeared between a livid Ryoko's hands. Tiny wooden cylinders appeared throughout the room as Ayeka gritted her teeth in rage. A glowing sphere of light appeared above an angry Washu.

Sasami and Mihoshi followed Ryo-oh-ki out into the living room. Arthur Storey ran out the back door.

Flashing light played eerily on the faces of the three angry women. Ayeka, Ryoko, and Washu growled like animals as electricity flashed from their eyes. The veins in their necks and foreheads throbbed angrily right before an explosion knocked the table over.

When the dust cleared. Ayeka and Ryoko were moaning painfully on the floor, their clothing singed in places. Washu floated over the wreckage safe in the glowing sphere of her force field, having wisely chosen defense over offense. She chewed on a piece of bacon and said. "Serves you right for insulting a genius."

PLAN TWO—REASON WITH HIM

Arthur came into the Masaki house after a hard day in the fields to see that all of the ladies in the house were waiting for him. Ayeka, Sasami, Ryo-oh-ki and Mihoshi were sitting on the sofa. Washu was sitting in a chair. Ryoko was standing by the side of the couch, and was not making a move toward the empty chair that had been taken out of the kitchen and placed facing the couch in front of the television. The stern look on their faces did not bode well.

"Hello, ladies, what's goin' on?" he said with forced cheer.

"Um, Arturosake, won't you sit down?" Ayeka asked politely.

"Get your butt in that chair," Ryoko commanded, pointing to the empty seat.

"Oh…kay," he sat. "What's this about?"

"That's what we'd like to ask you," said Washu. "Now that we are all here…"

"Kiyone's not here yet," Mihoshi corrected.

"Kiyone's not in this one!" Washu, Ryoko, and Arthur shouted.

"Sorry," sighed the teary-eyed blonde. "I forgot."

"Okay, let's get this over with," Ryoko muttered.

"Arthur," Sasami began softly. "We really appreciate you being such a big fan of _Tenchi Muyo_ and we're honored that you decided to write a story about us…"

"Write a story?" said Arthur, valiantly trying to stay in character. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't interrupt!" Ryoko snapped as she slapped our hero in the face. "Shaddup and listen." She stepped back to stand next to the others.

"Ryoko," Ayeka scolded. "We agreed to talk to him first."

"Well it wasn't his turn to talk yet," huffed the space pirate as she crossed her arms.

When it was obvious that Sasami wasn't ready to continue, Washu chimed in. "What we are trying to say is we want Tenchi back. We're sorry, but you just can't replace him like this."

"What are you talking about?" Arthur protested, then eyed Ryoko warily. "Tenchi _asked _me to come here to take care of the family shrine."

"No he didn't," said Washu evenly. "You wrote him out of the picture and then put yourself in his place. It's called a self-insert and fan fiction authors do it all the time. The only problem is that people read fan fiction to read about the characters they love, not about some guy they don't know."

"The only problem?" Ryoko burst out. "That's not the half of it."

"It's obvious that you have something to add," the redheaded supergenius said dryly. "Why don't you voice your concerns, Ryoko?"

"Oh I'll voice my concerns, all right," the space pirate sneered. "You idiot!" She nearly shouted at Arthur Storey. "You think you can just waltz in here and replace Tenchi? What about our characters? What about our motivation?"

"What about your motivation?" Arthur blinked.

"Do you think I'm some kind of tramp who throws herself at anybody? Do you think I'm some kind of slut?"

"If the shoe fits…" Ayeka murmured. Sasami quickly put her hand over her sister's mouth. When Ayeka began to struggle, Mihoshi leaned across Sasami to assist the little princess in hushing her big sister.

"What was that?" Ryoko whirled around to see Sasami and Mihoshi struggling with Ayeka to keep their hands over her mouth. "A ha-ha-ha!" Ryoko laughed. "About time somebody made you shut up!"

An angry growl managed to escape the muffled Ayeka.

"Please be quiet," begged Sasami.

"Yes, don't set her off again," pleaded Mihoshi.

"All right!" Ayeka shouted when she managed to free herself from her two housemates. "Just keep your hands off!"

"Okay," "All right," Sasami and Mihoshi nodded their heads and spoke simultaneously.

"As I was _saying_," Ryoko turned back to Arthur. "You seem to think that my character wants to sleep with anyone. That I could just fall in love at the drop of a hat. That I'm so fickle that I would forget about Tenchi just because he leaves and somebody else moves in. Well I'm not like that! For all you know I could be a virgin!"

"As if," muttered the purple-haired princess right before the other girls on the couch tackled her in their effort to silence her.

"Tenchi is the love of my life!" Ryoko continued, speaking too loud to overhear Ayeka's petty remark. "He is my reason for being! Do you honestly think that I could just forget about him? I don't have anything outside of this house! I would never forget Tenchi and start flirting with some other guy. That's ridiculous and it's insulting!"

Tiny logs appeared in the air as Ayeka, Sasami and Mihoshi struggled. They vanished as the first princess of Jurai broke free and tumbled away from the couch shouting. "Tenchi is not the love of your LIFE!"

"Yes Ayeka?" Washu said calmly. "Is there something you wish to explain to Arthur?"

"Give me a minute!" Ayeka indignantly rose to her feet and straightened her elaborate Kimono. "Ahem, although Ryoko meandered all over the place, she did bring up some valid points. This self-insertion of yours has drastically compromised our character goals and motivations. For example, I stay here on Earth because I'm in love with Tenchi. If Tenchi had left Earth to become the emperor of Jurai, then wouldn't I go to Jurai with him?"

"I thought you needed a vacation," Arthur protested weakly. "That you wanted to get away from your responsibilities…"

"Please!" huffed the first princess of Jurai. "My responsibilities would be easy to face if Tenchi was there with me. Why, if Tenchi was the emperor of Jurai…" Ayeka's face became dreamy and stars appeared in her crimson eyes. "…I would be his wife. No matter what challenges we would face in the royal court of Jurai we would both live happily ever after."

Ryoko, who was floating in the air in a sitting position added. "But he's not the emperor of Jurai, anymore than you're a competent responsible adult."

"Hey!" Ayeka protested. "Who's irresponsible?"

"You are little Miss AWOL," Ryoko pulled the lower eyelid of her right eye down and stuck out her tongue. "The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"Why you!" Tiny logs appeared in the air and took strategic points around the room.

Before the inevitable fight broke out, Washu leaped out of her chair and struck Ayeka on the back of the head with a little mallet. "That's enough, you two! Save it for later!"

"Ow!" the purple-haired beauty rubbed the lump on her head. "Why didn't you hit Ryoko?"

"She's up too high," Washu pointed to the levitating space pirate who was floating above their heads and making childish faces at them.

Sasami raised her hand timidly.

"Yes Sasami?" Washu asked the little blue-haired princess. "Is there something you want to say?"

"Yes, if its not too much trouble," the little girl answered shyly. "Arthur, you don't seem to have a very good handle on my character. All I ever do is cook breakfast. I really don't have that many lines and you don't seem to have a clue about my character's motivation."

"Sorry," shrugged Arthur. "Aside of the whole Tsunami thing I really don't know that much about you." The blue haired princess looked crushed and she hugged her sister.

"That's okay, Sasami," said Ayeka. "I'd rather he didn't write about you. For all we know he could be a pervert who likes little girls!" She put her arm around her sister protectively.

"I'm a what?" choked the American.

"Ooh! Ooh!" Mihoshi was nearly jumping up and down from her sitting position while raising her arm in the air. "Can I say something? Can I? Can I?"

"If you must," sighed Washu. A bead of sweat formed on her head.

"I'd like to say that you forgot to include Kiyone in this story. That wasn't very nice of you."

"Kiyone wasn't in the original series," Arthur responded.

"She wasn't?" blinked the blue-eyed blonde.

"No," the handsome Yankee shook his head.

"What about the episode where we go out and get part-time jobs?" the galaxy police detective asked.

"That was in the _Tenchi Universe TV_ series," Arthur replied.

"Wait, didn't Kiyone and me go back in time to 1970?" Mihoshi scratched her head.

"That was in the movie _Tenchi Muyo In Love_," The American answered. "It was intended as a sequel to the TV series."

"Oh," Mihoshi put her hand to her chin in thought. "I always get that confused. Didn't Kiyone and I go out for karaoke in the original _OVA_ series?"

"I think that's _Tenchi Universe_ again," muttered Arthur.

"Really? I always get the two series mixed up!" smiled Mihoshi who ignored the various groans heard throughout the room. She crossed her arms and attempted to put on a stern face. "Well I'm at it I'd like to point out that you've really shortchanged my character."

"That's right," said Ryoko as she floated in a prone position with her arms folded behind her head. "You've only made her stupid. You forgot she's a klutz too."

"Ryoko!" Sasami scolded. "That's mean!"

"Meow," added an indignant Ryo-oh-ki.

"So you see. Arthur," Washu uttered from her chair. "We're flattered that you decided to write about us, but the title's translation aside, we really do need Tenchi. He's the glue that holds us together. I'm sorry, but you just can't replace him that easily."

"Why not?" Tears were starting to form in Arthur's eyes. "Why can't I be the glue that holds you together?"

"We don't know you," Washu answered gently. "We don't trust you. You could be anyone. And our fans don't know you any better than we do. You understand right?"

Defeated, Arthur looked down at the ground.

"So please," said Washu as the girls watched the drama intently. "Could you bring Tenchi back? We'd really appreciate it. You seem like a mature individual."

"Yeah!" smiled Mihoshi. "I'll bet most people who write fan fiction are mature, responsible people who are successes in their real lives!"

Washu gaped at the blonde in horror.

Arthur awoke with a start from the strange dream he was having. He had dreamed that the girls didn't know who he was and thought they were fictitious characters from animae and manga. They had accused him of writing Tenchi out and getting their characters wrong. Even after all these months, Arthur still didn't feel that he measured up to his best friend Tenchi Masaki and had doubts whether the alien beauties really accepted him into their family.

"Son of a bitch!" Ryoko shouted from her room. "That idiot ignored everything we said and relegated it to a dream sequence!"

In her subspace laboratory, Washu sighed and uttered, "If you want something done right, kill Mihoshi before you start, I always say."

From their bedroom, Ayeka turned her sister Sasami and said. "I hate to admit it, but I think it's time we tried Ryoko's plan."

PLAN THREE—ATTACK HIM

"Okay Art," growled Ryoko, who looked quite fetching in her skintight catsuit. "We asked you nicely, but now we're telling you! Get lost!" A sword shaped shaft of light appeared in her right hand.

"Yes," agreed Princess Ayeka in her Jurain battle armor. "We want you to leave and Tenchi to come back." Tiny logs appeared around Arthur.

"I'm warning you," Sasami welded her skillet like a samurai warrior holding a katana. "I want Tenchi to come home right now!"

"Sorry about this Arthur," Washu clomped around the room in her massive combat exoskeleton. "You brought this on yourself." At the ends of the exoskeleton's freakishly long arms, small proton cannons powered up with an electronic hum.

"Meow—fft!" hissed an angry cabbit, baring her teeth and extending her claws.

They all looked to their right. Beads of sweat appeared on each of their heads.

In the kitchen Mihoshi was eating some cookies. Suddenly, she glanced at the reader, choked on her cookie and dashed out of the room. Halfhazardly pulling on her Galaxy Police uniform, the dizzy blonde stumbled into the living room to join the others. "Mumff! Umph! Grumph!" she mumbled, spitting cookie crumbs all over the room. She hit her collarbone with her white-gloved fist as she started choking. "Okay Arthur," she gasped as she drew her gun. "You're under arrest for kidnapping Tenchi!"

"But…but…" stammered Arthur.

"Don't say it!" Ryoko warned him.

"But Tenchi left Earth months ago…"

"He said it!" growled the space pirate. "Get him!"

Death rays, rockets, and forcefields lit up the house as the girls let loose their wrath upon the helpless Arthur, who was guilty of no crime other than offering to take care of the family shrine for his friend Tenchi.

"Oh shut up!" Ryoko spat.

THE NEXT FOUR PAGES HAVE BEEN DELETED DUE TO GRAPHIC VIOLENCE

After beating the tar out of Arthur, the girls went to clean up in the large swimming pool sized bath that Washu had created.

"Well," Ayeka sighed. "We weren't able to kill the American, but at least I feel better."

"How did he survive?" asked a confused Mihoshi. "We threw everything but the kitchen sink at him."

"Self-inserts are nigh-indestructible," replied Washu. "I didn't think the author would let his precious protagonist die, but ya gotta admit, it sure was fun!" She winked impishly.

Five girls and a cabbit shared some embarrassed laughter.

PLAN FOUR—DISTRACT HIM

"Good…morning…Arthur," Sasami greeted as she rolled around the kitchen on her wheels. "Breakfast…will…be…ready…in…ten…minutes." The blinking lights on her chest winked happily.

"Sasami?" blinked Arthur. "Something's different about you…"

"Arthur," Ryoko marched into the room stiffly. "You…are…so…sexy…I…can't …keep…my…hands…off…you." The space pirate smiled, causing the hinge at her jaw to squeak.

Princess Ayeka rolled into the kitchen as fast as her treads would carry her. "Ryoko…you…tramp…Leave…lord…Arthur…alone. Seeing…you…first…thing…in the…morning…will…hurt…his…digestion." The lights on the princess's chest blinked angrily.

"Ryoko? Ayeka?" Arthur sputtered in disbelief. "What's happened to you?"

"Good…morning…everybody," said Mihoshi as she floated into the room on her antigravity footpads. "How…is…everyone…this…morning?" Mihoshi floated past the astounded Arthur and bumped into the wall, but thanks to her polychromium skull she did not get hurt..

"Fine…Lady…Mihoshi," said Washu as she marched stiffly into the room carrying Ryo-oh-ki in her metal arms. The lightbulbs screwed into her eyesockets gleamed as she twisted the key in the cabbit's back and Ryo-oh-ki meowed in greeting.

"What's going on?" Arthur was close to panic.

Meanwhile in Washu's subspace laboratory, five girls and a cabbit were watching the scene in the kitchen on a large television monitor.

"Those robots don't look very much like us," grumbled Ryoko.

"Give me a break," snapped Washu. "They were a rush job! Creating a lifelike android takes time you know,"

"Mine keeps bumping into walls," said a concerned Mihoshi. "Is it broken?"

"Sorry," Washu shrugged. "I didn't think that a complex guidance system was necessary on yours."

"How come my robot doesn't have any legs?" asked the princess Ayeka. "It looks fat."

"You wear such a fancy kimono that most of the time we can't see your legs," replied Washu. "and you do wear rather voluminous clothing," she added.

"Makes you look as big as a house," smiled Ryoko wickedly.

"That's it!" cried Ayeka indignantly, her face beet red with embarrassment. "You've been getting on my nerves for some time, and I'm sick of it!"

"Don't start a fight in here," protested Sasami. "It can be dangerous!"

"Meow!" cried a frightened Ryo-oh-ki.

Lightning bolts crackled between Ayeka's and Ryoko's eyes as the braced themselves for battle. Back in the Masaki house, Arthur jumped as the door under stairs was blown off its hinges and flew across the living room.

PLAN FIVE—ORDER A PIZZA

Five battered women and one straggly cabbit dragged their smoking, soot-stained bodies out the door of Washu's lab. Just then the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Mihoshi sang out as she ran for the front door. Ayeka, Ryoko, Washu and Sasami dusted themselves off, causing black soot to float around the room.

"Wow!" gasped Arthur. "Are you all right?"

"Why do _you_ care?" spat Ryoko. In the meantime, Washu entered the kitchen to order her robot duplicates to leave the kitchen and go rebuild her lab.

Mihoshi entered the room carrying an extra large pizza box. "Hey everyone!" she announced cheerfully. "The pizza's here!"

"Oh boy!" exclaimed Sasami with a great big smile. "I've never had pizza before."

"Is it any good?" Ryoko asked as their robot copies trundled through the room to disappear in the smoking hole that was Washu's lab.

"Sure!" grinned the bubbly blonde. "Why Kiyone and I…"

"Ahem," Ayeka cleared her throat noisily. Mihoshi's voice died when she noticed that everyone was giving her dirty looks.

"Um, I mean, _I_ used to liveon these when I went on deep space patrols," she corrected herself.

"She's right," said Arthur Storey. "Pizzas taste great."

"Well, okay," Ayeka seemed doubtful. Everyone was distracted when the Mihoshi robot soared into the room only to bump into the walls. Washu walked out of the kitchen and jumped up to grasp its ankle and led it like a balloon to the door under the stairs.

Mihoshi placed the huge pizza box on the table and opened it to reveal the huge cheesy disk. "Okay everyone! Dig in!"

Almost as one the inhabitants of the Masaki house seized a slice and took a bite.

"Mmm, gooey," said Ayeka.

"We're going to need napkins," agreed Sasami.

"Not bad," chomped Ryoko.

"Okay, let me have some," said Washu making her way over to the table.

"Isn't it great?" gushed Mihoshi. "The anchovies really add flavor."

"A-anchovies?" sputtered Arthur. "Anchovies are fish! I'm allergic to fish!"

"W-what?" cried the hapless blonde.

"I-I can't breathe," gasped the hunky American. "H-help!"

"So you're allergic to fish, eh?" said Ryoko with an evil grin.

"Imagine that?" smirked Washu.

"Here Arty old buddy," said Ryoko as she opened a can of sardines with a glowing finger. "Have some sardines! They'll help you breathe better!" She stuffed them in his mouth.

Washu was using a laser-powered knife to open a can of tuna. "Here Arthur, try some of this!"

"Ryoko!" squawked Ayeka. "He's allergic to fish! What are you trying to do, poison him?"

"Umm, yeah," shrugged the spiky haired space pirate.

"Oh yes, I forgot." The purple haired princess put her index finger to her lips and then smiled and waved cheerfully. "Carry on!"

Arthur started gagging as his face turned purple and his neck began to swell up.

"Oh my gosh!" squawked Mihoshi. "Arthur's dying! What do we do?"

"Celebrate?" Ryoko offered.

"Ryoko, don't do it!" cried Sasami with tears in her eyes. "You're not a murderer!"

"What are you trying to do, save him?" Ryoko snapped.

"No, I'm trying to save you!"

Ryoko's eyes grew wide and everyone was quiet. (Except for Arthur Storey of course, he was gagging, wheezing, choking, and thrashing on the ground.)

"Awwwww," murmured four of the ladies as tears moistened their eyes. Ryo-oh-ki made a strange purring sound.

"All right," Ryoko sighed as she lifted the wheezing Arthur by the neck of his shirt. "Let's get this loser into Washu's lab before he dies or somethin'!"

"You're a good person Ryoko," said Washu proudly.

"Don't I know it," blushed the space pirate. As she walked towards the door under the stairs she raised Arthur up so that he was dangling in the air before her. "Watch your head," she smirked as his forehead hit the top of the doorway.

_Next: Goodbye Arthur! _


	4. Goodbye Arthur!

**Arthur Muyo!**

By Galaxy1001D

Tenchi Muyo and all related characters are © AIC/Pioneer. Additional dialog by MoonstoneCabbit. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of AIC/Pioneer, MoonstoneCabbit, or this website.

Out in the far reaches of the galaxy, the Galaxy Police cruiser _Yagami_ floated through the lonely emptiness of deep space. Inside the red spaceship, a green haired woman in her twenties ate a lonely breakfast while gazing forlornly at a picture of the Masaki family. In the photo, Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Sasami, Washu, Katsuhito, Nobuyuki, Mihoshi, Ryo-oh-ki and herself were in front of the Masaki house smiling at the camera.

Galaxy Police Detective First Class Kiyone Makibi sighed forlornly to herself. "All of the regular female characters of _Tenchi Muyo _are in this story," she thought sadly to herself, "except me…and knowing…that I'm not included with everyone else…" Tears began to well up in her lovely blue eyes.

"…Makes me so happy!" she shouted as she rolled backwards in hysterical laughter. "Oh Mihoshi, you and the others are stuck with that Tenchi wannabe, I feel soooo sorry for you!" She cackled sarcastically. "Ha-ha-ha! This story is based off the first thirteen episodes of the original _Tenchi Muyo OVA _series and not _Tenchi Universe, Tenchi in Tokyo_, or any of the series that I appeared in! I don't have to be in this lousy story and you doooo!" She teased the picture childishly. "A-ha-ha-ha!" If sound could travel through space, her insane laughter would have been heard for miles.

_Chapter Four: Goodbye Arthur! _

Meanwhile, back on Earth, five girls and one cabbit were moping in the living room of the Masaki house, eating chocolate (or in Ryo-oh-ki's case, carrots).

"Is Arthur Storey going to be all right?" Sasami asked.

"Yeah…" said a defeated Washu as she looked at the floor. "I'm sorry, girls. I'm too much of a genius. I managed to save him."

All of the girls let out a disappointed sigh.

"Meow, mee-ow! Meow!" called Ryo-oh-ki, hopping up on the table.

"Huh?" blinked Washu. "What is it Ryo-oh-ki? We haven't used _your_ plan?"

"Meow! Meow! Meow!" replied the little feline/rabbit hybrid.

"Uh-huh," Washu nodded. "So Arthur Storey is from America, and we're in Japan…"

"Meow! Meow! Meow!" the cabbit continued.

"So it's likely that Arthur won't accept some of our Japanese conventions! That's brilliant!"

"Huh?" gasped a clueless Ryoko.

"What's brilliant?" asked Ayeka.

"There's a lot of goofy things in animae that Arthur won't get!" explained the pint-sized supergenius. "A lot of our conventions don't translate very well to the west. All we have to do to drive him away is become the worst stereotype of Japanese animation ever!"

"Huh?" the other girls chorused as Washu broke into maniacal laughter.

PLAN SIX—RYO-OH-KI'S PLAN

Arthur staggered out of the door under the stairs that led to Washu's laboratory and into the living room of the Masaki household. Although he had recovered from his allergic reaction to the fish he ate, he still looked a little green.

In the living room, Ayeka, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Sasami, and Ryo-oh-ki (who was perched on Sasami's head) were waiting for him. They had very strange smiles on their faces.

"Oh, Arturosan," said Princess Ayeka. "We're so glad you're okay."

Ryoko spoke next. "That's why we're gonna throw you…" Suddenly, a cymbal rang and the space pirate's face contorted into a clownish caricature of herself. "A big American party!" The air was filled with red white and blue stripes as numerous five-pointed white stars floated through the room.

At the same time, the ladies' clothing instantly changed into costumes with an American theme. Ryoko was dressed in the blue coat and tricornered hat of a Yankee officer from the American Revolution. The space pirate's greenish white hair was in a ponytail appropriate to officers of the 1770's. Ayeka was dressed as the Statue of Liberty complete with green gown, tiara and a torch that shot sparks in the air like a colossal firework. Sasami was dressed in an 'Uncle Sam' costume complete with a top hat and a fake white goatee. Mihoshi was in a red one-piece bathing suit with a crown and a bouquet of flowers. A white baldric over her shoulder had the words 'Miss America' printed in large capital letters.

"Big American party!" Ayeka echoed.

"Disco dancing!" cheered Sasami.

"Yankee Doodle Dandy!" cried Mihoshi.

All of the women in the room started dancing to peppy elevator music, and thrashing around spasmodically with stupid grins on their faces.

Before Arthur could react, the wall to the outside exploded to reveal Washu driving a red convertible. When she hopped out of the car, the vehicle changed into a giant robot and flew away.

Ryoko's head grew to pumpkin size as she shouted at Washu. "Washu! Shame on you! You wreck wall!" Her body seemed to shrink as her head swelled up unnaturally.

"Shut up! Ryoko!" Washu's head grew even larger and her body shrunk to half its normal size. Even though her feet could no longer reach the ground, her body just floated in midair. "A genius am I! The greatest genius in the universe!"

"Oooh!" cooed Sasami.

"Aaah," gasped Mihoshi.

"Meeoww!" meowed Ryo-oh-ki.

Tiny chibi puppet like dolls appeared on Washu's shoulders. They resembled Washu herself, right down to her hair and clothing. The one on her right shoulder had a capital "A" on its chest and the one on her right shoulder had a capital "B" its chest.

"You are a genius, Washu!" exclaimed the one marked "A" in an artificial and stilted style.

"No one is as smart as you!" agreed the puppet marked "B" whose voice also sounded eerily like Washu's own.

Washu and the chibi dolls on her shoulders shared a moment of hysterical laughter as confetti and ribbons rained down from above.

"Arthur!" squeaked Sasami, who was mysteriously back in her normal clothing. "Try some miso soup and rice crackers!" She offered the food to the baffled American.

"Have some sushi!" Ryoko (in her blue and green striped kimono) held up a tiny squid on the end of her chopsticks. "It raw fish! Num-num!"

"Fish?" cried a terrified Arthur. "You know I can't eat fish!"

Sasami held up a jeweled rod with valentine shaped crystal on the end of it and spun around saying nonsense words and syllables. Before the American's startled eyes, magical sparks enveloped the little princess and her clothes changed into a frilly pink dress with lots of jewelry. "I'm Pretty Sammy, and I can help you like fish!"

"But I can't eat fish!" protested Arthur.

"Ukum-Jukum splishity-splish!" Sasami waved her magic wand and in a flash of pink energy, the room was filled with fish, swimming through the air as if they were underwater. "Cure Arthur's allergy to fish!"

"Oooh!" cooed Ryoko.

"Aaah," gasped Ayeka who was wearing her normal purple kimono.

"Ohhhh!" breathed Mihoshi in her standard pink sweatshirt and white pants.

"Stop it!" Arthur shouted. "This doesn't make any sense! You're wrecking my story! All of you are so out of character!"

Suddenly, all of the women were wearing kimonos and had their hair hidden in black wigs. Their faces were painted white and their lips were as red as blood.

"Ahhh!" breathed Ryoko. "So sorry! We wreck Arthur-san's nice story!" All of the women began to bow repeatedly in front of the panicked American.

"So sorry!" echoed Ayeka. "We should walk five steps behind you and speak only when we're spoken to!"

"Stop it! Knock it off!" cried Arthur.

"So sorry!" The girls chorused as they continued to bow stiffly.

"Arrgh!" cried Arthur. "You've destroyed my story! I quit!"

Ayeka awoke to find Sasami pulling on her arm. "Ayeka! Ayeka!" cried the little blue haired princess. "Wake up! Tenchi's home! Tenchi's home!"

Groggily the purple haired princess sat up to study her surroundings. She was on the couch in the living room. She must have fallen asleep while watching television or something. "Tenchi's back?" Ayeka asked hesitantly. "You mean Ryo-oh-ki's plan worked?"

"Hello girls," Nobuyuki Masaki, professional architect, amateur photographer, widower and father of Tenchi greeted as he strolled into the room carrying a suitcase and a backpack. "Did you miss us? We've been out at that male bonding camping seminar all weekend!"

"You're home! You're home!" Sasami cried as she gave Tenchi's father a hug.

Ryo-oh-ki purred happily and rubbed her face against his foot.

Mihoshi screamed when she saw Nobuyuki and ran to the door under the stairs. "Washu!" called Mihoshi. "Nobuyuki and the others are home!" The bubbly blonde dashed forward and hugged Nobuyuki so hard that he found it difficult to breathe.

Entering through the front door was a dignified elderly man wearing spectacles and the white robes of a Shinto priest. "What is all this now?" asked Katsuhito, Tenchi's maternal grandfather, priest, and Jurai warrior. "You act as though you never expected to see us again." He set down his traveling bag as Ayeka and Sasami hugged him. The old man knelt to look Sasami in the eye and smiled. "Did you have some sort of trouble while we were gone?"

"Um, well…" blushed the blue-haired princess.

"Hey, what's goin' on around here?" Washu asked from the door of her lab. Her face brightened up when she saw Katsuhito and Nobuyuki. "Ah right! They're home! Ryo-oh-ki's plan must've worked!"

Ryoko phased through the wall. "Hey, cut out all the racket…the boys! They're back!" The space pirate screamed and seized Tenchi's father in a passionate embrace. "Nobuyuki! I've never been so glad to see you, you dirty old man! Moouh! Moouh!" She quickly kissed his face. "It's good to see you, you disgusting pervert!"

"Er, it's good to see you too," he blushed.

"Hey!" Ryoko let go of Nobuyuki and he fell to the ground. The cyan-haired woman glanced around in alarm. "Where's Tenchi?"

"Yes!" gasped Ayeka. "Where's Tenchi? We haven't seen him yet!"

"That's right!" Sasami exclaimed. "For all we know Arthur Storey might still be here!"

"Whaaat!" shouted Washu.

"Oh my," gushed Mihoshi, clasping her hands as tears appeared in her eyes. "We hadn't thought of that!"

"Meeowww!" shrieked Ryo-oh-ki in alarm.

"What are you talking about?" asked Nobuyuki as he rose to his feet and dusted himself off. "The author of what story?"

"Tenchi's outside unpacking the car," Katsuhito calmly pointed to the front door.

At that moment a slender seventeen-year-old boy entered carrying cases of luggage. It was none other than Tenchi Masaki, an ordinary Earth boy related to the royal house of Jurai by his maternal grandfather. Hidden inside that stringy body and behind his androgynous good looks is the power of the Light Hawk Wings, said by many to be the most powerful force in the universe.

"Just say one nice thing," Tenchi begged the narrator. "That's all I ask."

"Tenchi!" Ryoko's eyes lit up with stars.

"Tenchi!" Ayeka clasped her hands as tears welled up in her crimson eyes.

"Tenchi!" cried Sasami as she leaped into the air. "It's really you!"

"Tenchi!" Mihoshi also jumped for joy. "It's you! It's really you!"

"Tenchi!" smiled Washu. "Long time no see, stranger!"

"Meow!" purred Ryo-oh-ki affectionately.

Five girls and a cabbit tackled the hapless boy and he fell to the ground to be buried under a pile of extraterrestrial females.

Laughing at his son's distress Nobuyuki turned to his father in law and said, "It looks like they missed us while we were gone, eh, father?"

"Oh?" smiled Katsuhito with false innocence. "Do you think so?" 

While the men went to their rooms to unpack their suitcases, the girls conferred as soon as they got the privacy they needed to congratulate each other.

"It worked!" exclaimed Ayeka in a stage whisper. "The author relegated our entire ordeal into a silly dream sequence!"

"That will teach you not to eat so much before taking a nap, Princess!" Ryoko joked.

"Ryoko," said Ayeka solemnly to her rival, "I'm sorry about some of the things that I said earlier. When you bared your soul to us in chapter two, I was less than supportive."

"Forget it, Princess," Ryoko waved her hand dismissively. "If this whole story was just a dumb dream sequence then it never happened!"

"Oh yes," blinked Ayeka. "I hadn't thought of that." Her smile could launch a thousand space ships.

Sasami put her arms around the space pirate and her sister. "Well, the important thing is that Tenchi is back and we are all friends again!"

Mihoshi chewed on her finger and looked down at Washu. "Do you think that Galaxy1001D will ever try to write another _Tenchi Muyo_ story, Washu?" she asked nervously.

"After we showed him?" Washu put her chin in the air and closed her eyes in an expression of arrogance. "He wouldn't dare!"

_Don't miss the next Tenchi Muyo fanfic by Galaxy1001D: No Need For Lesbians_

"Noooooo!" cried the horrified girls.

THE END

_Epilogue_

In a well-lit studio, Ayeka, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Sasami, Washu, and Arthur Storey sat facing the camera. Ryo-oh-ki sat on Sasami's lap. Arthur pulled the latex mask off his face to reveal that he is really none other than Tenchi Masaki!

"Hi there_, Tenchi_ fans," smiled the prince of Jurai as he straightened his hair and pulled the false ears off his head. "We sure had fun today! All of us at _Tenchi Muyo_ are indebted to all of those out there who love us enough to read and write our fan fiction."

"It doesn't pay as much as animae or manga," grumbled Ryoko. "And we don't get movement or sound either."

"Ahem," Tenchi cleared his throat nervously. "As I was saying, we're thrilled that so many of our fans out there like to write about us, but we do have some requests…"

"Oh, just spit it out, Lord Tenchi," chided Ayeka. "You are far too polite."

"Heh-heh," Tenchi laughed nervously. He never thought that Ayeka would ever accuse someone of being _too_ polite. "Erm, yes. We've noticed a tendency of some authors to replace some of us with original characters…"

"It's disgusting!" flared Ayeka. "As if we would forget all about Tenchi just because some new boy shows up!"

"You said it!" Ryoko shook her fist in agreement. "I'm tired of S.I. hunks who take over the stories, especially when they are WOW! Just as nice as, but more powerful than Tenchi. Has anyone else noticed how similar a lot of S.I. characters are to Tenchi? I think that if you like a story enough to write a fanfic about it, you should treat all the characters with respect and avoid making some characters look bad in order to make others look better in comparison."

"You're one to talk," Ayeka crossed her arms in a huff. "Your fans make me look like the Wicked Witch of the West!"

"I can't help it if I have so many fans," Ryoko's voice was filled with smugly filled with poorly disguised glee.

"Ahem, while we're on the topic," Ayeka growled as she tried to ignore Ryoko's smirk. "We don't need any more female self-inserts to fall in love with Tenchi either."

"You said it," agreed Washu. "We've got five girls…"

"Six if you include Kiyone," added Mihoshi.

Washu bravely ignored the muffled titters that Ayeka and Ryoko chuckled at her. "Ahem. Thank you Mihoshi. As I was saying, we've got _six_ girls at the Masaki shrine, and if you can't find the right female character for your story, maybe ya ought 'a write about something else!"

"Don't say that, Washu!" exclaimed an alarmed Sasami. "There aren't enough _Tenchi Muyo_ fan fiction writers as it is!"

"Sasami's right, you guys," Tenchi protested. "You aren't going to solve anything by alienating our fans. We just want them to write about _us_, that's all."

"We're sorry," Ayeka, Ryoko, and Washu chorused as they looked down at the floor.

"It just makes me so angry," insisted Ayeka. "Ryoko's right. Most of the masculine self-inserts are awfully similar to you, Tenchi! Hasn't anyone ever thought about _you_? Hasn't anyone ever thought about _your_ feelings? I mean, the title may translate as "No Need For Tenchi," but these people take the joke too far!"

"It's true…" Tenchi looked down at the ground as two streams of tears flowed from his eyes.

"Aren't you guys taking this a little too seriously?" Mihoshi asked them. "I mean, fan fiction is supposed to be fun. Who cares if someone wants to visit us at the Masaki shrine? Tenchi has so many girls that he shouldn't mind if one of us finds someone else."

"You're one to talk," Washu snapped. "Some authors who don't know how to write for you have a tendency to kill your character off."

"What?" Mihoshi cried. "Why? What did I do to deserve that? If they like us, why do they want to kill us off? Can't I simply be out on patrol, or sick, or on vacation? I didn't do anything!" Mihoshi covered her face with her hands as she sobbed uncontrollably.

"Way to go, Washu," Tenchi scolded. "Now look what you've done."

"Hey, its not my fault that people don't know what to do with her," Washu insisted.

"_We_ don't know what to do with her," Ayeka retorted. "Please don't upset her any more. We're supposed to be professional." She crossed her arms again and struck a pose of arrogant detachment.

Embarrassed, Tenchi rubbed the back of his head and he smiled at the camera. "Heh-heh," he chuckled nervously. "Where was I? Oh yes. A lot of amateur authors have great original characters that are just dying to be written about, but if an established character is similar enough to what you have in mind, why not just use one of them? If you have enough original characters, you can simply write your own story and not worry about fan fiction."

"No Tenchi!" Sasami exclaimed. "Don't say that! Then nobody will be writing about us! It's not their fault that most people read our fan fiction to read about characters that they know about. It's not fair that nobody is interested in original characters. We shouldn't try to curb their creative spirit!"

"You're right, Sasami," Tenchi smiled sheepishly, "but if no one is going to be interested in reading your story, why bother to post it? I just think that it would help if a writer would put himself in the reader's shoes, that's all."

"While you're at it, why don't you bring up the topic of reviews?" Ryoko asked him.

"Oh yeah," Tenchi nodded. "When leaving reviews for aspiring writers be sure to tell them what worked and what didn't. If a story works for you, let the author know that it did so they'll keep writing. Give them encouragement. If a story doesn't strike you the right way, tell the author specifically what went wrong. It's possible that it is simply artistic differences, but it's likely that the constructive criticism will allow the author to correct his mistakes and improve the story."

"Like having a shorter epilogue?" Ryoko asked him mischievously.

"Um, yeah, like that…" Tenchi blushed self-consciously.

Ryoko turned to the camera. "Oh yeah! The author wants to let you know that he is not allergic to fish. The reason that he doesn't get enough fish in his diet is because he treats his body like crap!"

"Um, thanks for sharing that..." Tenchi rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He turned to the camera and smiled. "Well that's all for now. Bye-bye, and remember, when writing for _Tenchi Muyo_, use characters from _Tenchi Muyo_." He winked at the camera. "You'll be glad you did! _Sayonara_!"


End file.
